What is closure? According to the dictionary it is “an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality.” I like how that particular definition says “comforting or satisfying”. But is closure really ever comforting? And satisfying-I would definitely say not. But what is true in that definition is it is a “sense of finality.” Once you get closure it is really over.
After a break-up or fallout with a friend or family member, the next phase is usually closure. This is the phase when both parties speak their peace towards one another and decide to go their separate ways. Normally, one or both parties apologize for the hurt they may have caused the other. After apologizes are issued and accepted, both parties say their last goodbyes and wish each other well.
In a perfect world that would be the perfect way to have closure. But we do not live in a perfect world and therefore, closure never tends to happen that way. And the even harsher reality is most people never get closure. So how do you move on without closure?
What if the person that betrayed you never apologizes? What if the person that broke your heart moves on and never gives you an explanation why? What if the person that raped you never gets convicted? What if your mother never tells you what really happened between her and your father? How do you move on?
The question shouldn’t be so much how, but when. Why should never be a question because in order to live and heal you MUST MOVE ON. But for some of you the question isn’t how...it is when.
For some of you, it’s been years and you are still harboring bitterness, anger, hurt, sadness, and for some of you even jealously towards the person that hurt you. Some of you are still crying yourselves to sleep every night…driving by their house…checking their Twitter and Facebook pages.
It’s been years and the person who hurt you has moved on. They have gone on with their lives and you are the last thing on their mind. But you are still stuck, frozen in time hoping that they will unthaw you by giving you closure in the form of an apology or an explanation why. But I am here to tell you today that you will be frozen in time forever if you are waiting on the person that hurt you to give you closure.
Stop expecting the person that hurt you to heal you. Some of us are putting the burden of our healing on the person that hurt us. The person that hurt you will not and cannot heal you. Only God can give you healing. Only God can give you peace. Only God can give you freedom. So go to Him instead them. Quit calling their phone, texting, and emailing them. Stop going by their house and demanding they give you an apology and answer for why they did what they did to you. (Ouch, this was me, but I am sure many of you can relate).
If you want the “comforting and satisfy” closure the dictionary describes you have to give it yourself. And the first step in getting that closure is forgiveness. You have to forgive the person that hurt you. Yes I know they lied to you…cheated on you…hurt you…abused you… and you are still living with the effects of what they did to you today but you have to forgive them. And not for them but for you. The reason why you can’t let go is because you haven’t forgiven.
When you don’t forgive the person that hurt you hold yourself prisoner. You see, they are free while you are locked up in a prison in your mind. You give them power over your life when you do this. When you replay the memories of how they hurt you over and over again you strengthen their power.
But when you forgive them, you take back that power. Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:15, “But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” God will not forgive you of your sins and wrongdoings if you do not forgive the person that hurt you. So forgive them and stop holding yourself prisoner. Remember if you want to be free and get back to living you gotta start forgiving.
So the next time those painful memories start trying to creep back into your mind recite this scripture: 2 Corinthians 10:5 “bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” You have the power to bring those hurtful and painful memories into the obedience of Christ. Cast those thoughts and that heavy burden of pain you been carrying around unto the Lord. With the mention of Jesus’ name those thoughts have to flee.
After you have forgiven the person that hurt you can move on with the next part of your of self-closure which is the why part. I remember trying to seek closure from ex boyfriend and the thing I wanted the most from him is why. I just wanted to know why. I felt like I couldn’t move on unless he told me why. And guess what, it’s been almost two years and I still haven’t got the why and more than likely I never will.
Self-closure requires that you let go of wanting to know why. Instead, it requires you to focus on this scripture in Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
I know many of you are like how is the most painful thing in my life going to work out for my good? There is quote I read in Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life that stated, “Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.” God will use what you went through to help other people.
I like what Joseph told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” The enemy tried to you use the person that hurt you to break you down, to crush spirits, to hurt you. But God allowed it to happen to you because He knew in the end it would only make you stronger.
The moment I let go of wanting to why is the day I got my closure. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” I trusted in the Lord with all my heart and quit trying to get an understanding!
There is quote that says “Man’s rejection is God protection and redirection.” That quote changed my life. I realized God allowed my break up with my ex because he was protecting me. When I was with him I wasn’t living for God. I was living in sin. But now that we are not together my life is fully dedicated to Christ.
So I realized in the end the pain all worked out for my good. And now I could carless why. My focus now is on how I can live a life pleasing to the Lord. My question now is “What do you want me to do Lord?”
Understand that everything that happens in our lives God allows. Even our most painful and difficult moments serve a purpose. But regardless of what happens we got to keep living. Season in our lives change all the time. Some seasons are good and some seasons are bad. But we don’t have say so over the seasons and how they play out in our lives, we just accept them as they come.
So what is closure really? Well, my dear friends it is nothing but acceptance. Acceptance that a chapter in your life has ended and a new one is about to begin. You will never see a new chapter in your life begin if you are still re-reading the last one.
So unfreeze yourself and move on. Stop expecting an apology. Stop expecting and explanation why. Forgive and heal. Let go and let God. Let God heal your heart.
You can stay the victim or you become the victor. The choice is left up to you. If you expect closure from others then you will remain a victim. But if you give yourself closure you will become a victor because you can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens you. You can get closure. You don’t need another person to give it you.
So is closure “comforting or satisfying”...NO! But does give it you a “sense of finality”….YES! Like Paul said in Philippians 3:13, “but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” It is time to move forward. What happen to you is now in the past. You must accept it and move on.
So what is my definition of closure? Well I am glad you asked! It is simply closing your mind to the past and opening it to the future because God has so much instore for you. So the time for closure is NOW! So stop reading that last chapter because a new chapter awaits!