“Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband— for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!” John 4:16-18
The feeling of guilt, shame, and disgust hit me like a ton of bricks. As he sped off into the night, I walked in the house and went into my room. I immediately began repenting. The guilt was eating me alive. Why did I tell him he could come over? Why did I do it? I said I wasn’t going to do it anymore. But I did it….I had sex.
The next morning I felt so condemned I didn’t know what to do with myself. I threw up and sat by the toilet bowel and cried. Somberly, I got dressed for church. I drove to church in silence. I pulled into the parking lot and I immediately began repenting. I had to get myself together I had to go in and teach the Children’s Ministry. But how could I…I thought inside. How could I teach children not to sin when I just sinned? I felt like a hypocrite….unworthy of my position. I messed up, I let God down.
After days of feeling guilty, I confessed my sin to my spiritual mentor. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and I just thought for sure he was going to be disappointed in me. But instead of getting the reaction I thought, he immediately began praying for me. He prayed over me and anointed my head with oil. He told me it was time for me to get delivered from my S.T.D (Sexual Transmitted Demon).
*S.T.D. (Sexual Transmitted Demon)*
Now I know many of you are like what she is talking about? If I would have just said STD you would I have thought I was talking about a sexual transmitted disease like Herpes or AIDS. But I what I needed deliverance from was much more worse and deadly than the common medical STD. You see the effects of this S.T.D can kill you and send your soul to hell.
So what is exactly is an S.T.D? Well simply put: it is a sexual demon that enters your body through sexual intercourse. The demon dwells in your soul and it is strengthened every time you have sex. The more you have sex, the stronger the demon becomes-making it harder to get rid of.
You see you can’t just buy some antibiotics and get rid of this S.T.D. The only way to get rid of this STD is through deliverance from the Holy Spirit. God himself has to deliver you from this S.T.D . And I can tell you right now the process to deliverance isn’t an easy one.
*From Playing with Barbies, To Having Sex with Ken*
I will never forget when I lost my virginity. I was 15 years old. I was nervous, scared, and excited at the same time. My boyfriend at the time was 18. We had been together for year and a half and I felt it in my mind it was time. So he rented a hotel room and we had sex. That was the day I was infected with my S.T.D
I went from secretly still playing with Barbie dolls to having sex with Ken….well not Barbie’s Ken…my Ken in the sense of my boyfriend. A year later my boyfriend and I broke up and I began dating someone else.
I was 16 at the time and he was 20. We worked together at my part-time job and I will never forget how he approached me. I remember as he began approaching me I told him… “I am just a little girl”….why do you want to talk to me?” He quickly flashed a smile and deviously said, “I just want to be your friend.”
*The Birth of a Sexaholic*
From that day forward he made it his mission to be my friend. And friends did we become but we became more than friends. By the time you knew it, we were sleeping together. But sex with him was different. You see sex with him felt like a drug…it was addictive, unpredictable, and fun.
We had sex all the time. I would sneak out my window at night just to be with him. I didn’t care that I was risking my parents killing me if they found out. In my mind, all I wanted was to be with him. And he told me those three magic words that kept me on an emotional rollercoaster for seven years of my life… “I Love You.”
He knew no matter how much he hurt me….no matter how much he cheated…no matter much he lied…if he told me those words…I would forget everything he had done and give him wanted he truly wanted from me…and it wasn’t my love…it was my body.
*Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop…Infecting Other People*
The more and more we had sex the stronger S.T.D. in me became. It was like no matter how much him and I had sex (which was all the time) the S.T.D couldn’t be satisfied. It craved for more and more sex. And I gave into its craving.
My friend, which by this time called himself my boyfriend, couldn’t satisfy the S.T.D. in me. And I couldn’t satisfy the S.T.D in him. I knew he was sleeping with other women…but I naively believed since he “loved me” the other girls he was sleeping with didn’t mean anything to him…because he loved me. It was like what Jody told his babymama Yvette to in the movie Babyboy … “I make love to you, I want to be with you, but I fuck other females occasionally. I don't know why, I just do. That's the situation.”
Stupid right…but at 16 years old I bought that excuse and all for the sake of “love.” But the S.T.D. in me didn’t care who I loved, all it cared about was who I was sexing and when my “Jody” wasn’t available then somebody else would just have to do. So like him, I began sleeping with other people.
I begin infecting other men with my S.T.D. By the time I was 18, I had over nine sexual partners. I infected 8 other men with my S.T.D. and formed nine ungodly soul-ties. In society’s eyes I was a hoe. But in my eyes…the eyes of a demon…I was just a girl with a strong sexual appetite.
By the time I was 21, I had slept with over 10 men. I personally didn’t think nothing was wrong with it. I mean everyone I knew was having sex. Everybody was “getting down” as they say.
*A Good Girl With A Bad Addiction*
ironically, I called myself a Christian…a devoted believer. I thought of myself as a “good girl”. I was in college. I made good grades. I went to church. I knew having sex was a sin but I felt “God knew my heart” and every time I did I it could just repent and he would forgive me right. I mean isn’t that what the preacher said…if you sin…repent…and all is forgiven... Right??? WRONG.
But at time I didn’t think about the consequences of my sin. You see by this time my S.T.D was in its highest peak. The sexual demon in me controlled my life. It controlled my spirit. I was its slave. I was in bondage to it. I had to satisfy it.
In additional to sleeping with men, to satisfy my S.T.D., I would watch porn. I would watch porn and masturbate. When I couldn’t have sex, I would just satisfy myself….or the S.T.D in me.
By the time I was 22, I was like to hell with boyfriends…I was just going to stay single and have a couple of FBs (Friends With Benefits) or guys I would call when I wanted to have sex. So for a year and a half between my porn watching and masturbating, I would have casual sex with my FBs.
*Broken Hearted Girl Has Mental Breakdown*
In the beginning of 2011, I decided to give “love” one more try. So I ended all my relationships with my FBs and got into a serious relationship. For six months, I thought I was in love. He and I had sex but the difference this time was I was faithful to him. Unlike my other boyfriends, I didn’t cheat on him.
Finally, I thought “my love had come along”. I thought my life was perfect. I was in gradschool, working full-time, and actively involved in my church. I thought to myself in a matter of months my boyfriend and I were going to get engaged and by the summer of the next year we would be married.
Well to my disappointment in August of 2011, “my love” and I broke up and I was devastated. I was heartbroken. The break up caused me to go in state of depression for months. It also caused me to retreat back to old my lifestyle. So I called up one of my FBs and had sex but this time something was different.
For the first time ever in my life, I felt disgusted after having sex. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I felt dirty. I made a vow to myself that I would stop having sex. So I cut off all my FBs off and began seeking God.
*A Broken Spirit *
After me and ex boyfriend broke up, my whole life changed. It was like a shift took place in my life. Something inside of me changed. The break up left me in broken state and that broken state is where I found God. The Word tells us in Psalm 51:17, “The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.” I was broken, empty inside. I felt like nothing.
Since I was 15 years old I had been giving my body to men who didn’t give a care in the world about me. They only told me words like I love you as mean to get access to my body. I thought by giving them my body they would give me their love in return.
No matter how much I tried to pretend that having sex with my FBs didn’t bother me or didn't affect me….it did. Because the truth was, I just wanted to be loved. But instead of seeking the author of love (God) I sought men…as used my body as means to get what I thought was love but in reality it was just lust.
My failed relationship with my ex…removed the veil from eyes….it was like I had been living in darkness all my life…but I finally saw the light. As my pastor would say, “I was left broke down, busted, and disgusted.”
But in my broken state, I found God. I developed a relationship with him. You see before this time in my life, I knew of God but I didn’t know God. You see I know who my pastor said he was…who my momma said he was…but I didn’t who he was for myself.
But all I had at that time to give to God was a broken heart and a broken spirit. But that was all the sacrifice he needed to transform my life. From that day forward, I began seeking God like never before. James 4:8 says, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”
I drew close to him and he drew close to me. I repented from my sexual sins and all the other sins I had committed. I cut off all communication with all my FBs and began living a life of holiness and righteousness.
I thought I was delivered from my S.T.D. I went over five months (from September 2011 to January 2012) of not having sex. In my mind I was delivered. I told myself was going to live for God and find my purpose in him. Sex was the last thing on my mind….or was it?
*Still In Me*
By January 2012, my relationship with God grew. Christ became my life. I thought I was freed from my S.T.D. But I was wrong. It was still living dormant in my body…like a regular STD…just wanting for the right time to come back to the surface. And all it took was for me to run into one of my old FBs.
In January 2012, I ran into one of my old FBs at gas station. Before you knew it we were talking on the phone, texting, and tweeting on a regular basis. I thought to myself, well as long as I don’t see him no harm in talking to him. I mean I thought to myself, “None of our conversations so far have been about sex.” Plus, I told him I was not going to have sex again until I got married. He said he understood…so we were all good in the neighborhood…right???? WRONG. I never should have started back talking to him in the first place.
One night while I was still up, he texted me and asked “what are you doing, can I come see you.” I froze, I know if I replied back yes and he came over what would happen. I mean he wasn’t going to come over my house at no one in the morning “just to talk.” But to my surprise instead of saying I was sleep or not responding…I replied back “nothing” and that was all needed as a green light to come over.
And 30 minutes later he came over. And my whole five months of celebrated celibacy ended. He came over and within a few minutes we were having sex. But the whole time we were doing it all I could think about was God.
Most of you are like yeah right, how I could be thinking of God but having sex. But I did. While he was getting his 15 minutes of pleasure…all I was thinking about my future pain and punishment.
As soon as it was over, the guilt and shame overwhelmed me. I didn’t understand why I allowed myself to have sex with him. I had been on the right tracks for months. Why did I allow myself to slip back up to my old ways?
*The Deliverance Process*
For two hours my spiritual mentor prayed over me. He told me to confess and repent from all my sexual sins. He told me the deliverance process wasn’t going to be easy. And he wasn’t lying either.
He told me to confess out to God every guy I had ever had sex with and repent and denounce the ungodly soul tie I had made with them. Sometimes as I would confess and repent I would throw up. Not understanding why this was happening, I called him and he told me this was the Holy Spirit’s way of making me cleanse myself of all the ungodly soul-ties.
The S.T.D. had been living in my body for 10 years and it wasn’t about to depart me from me without a fight. Jesus said in Matthew 17:21, “But this kind does not come out except by prayer and fasting."
For a whole month, I prayed earnestly. I fasted. I cried. I repented. The enemy was not happy that I was getting delivered so he threw everything at me but the kitchen sink. The temptation or urge to want to have sex became stronger. It seem like every guy I ever had sex with contacted me…wanting to get back with me.
The process was intense. It took everything out of me to get delivered but the S.T.D had to depart. It had to leave. It tormented me for 10 years of my life. I was its slave and it had me in bondage. But no more-God set me free!
*January 25, 2013*
Today is January 25, 2013 and I have been celibate for a whole year. I give ALL HONOR, PRAISE, AND GLORY TO GOD!!!! It has not been my strength, will, of power that I have been able to abstain from sex.
To be transparent with you guys it has been hard. Do I still get the urge to want to have sex? YES!!! But what keeps me from doing it? My love for God. My fear of him. My desire to live holy and to live pure.
I am totally obsessed and in love with Jesus Christ. For 10 years of my life I gave my “pearls to pigs.” And they trampled them under their feet and into pieces. I was seeking their love and affection, when they were seeking my body.
Now when I reflect back over the last 10 years of my life, I look back with an attitude of gratitude. I am so thankful that God delivered me and saved me from myself. I was going down a path of destruction and the S.T.D in me was leading me straight to hell. BUT GOD! God heard the desperate cry of a little sinner like me and saved me. He delivered me. He restored me. And as his witness he can do the same for you. He can deliver you from your S.T.D!
“ I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.” Joel 2:25